Near Him
by Sumiregusa
Summary: Hisoka x Tsuzuki. Contains angst, romance, Shonanai and fluff. Set directly after Kyoto arc in animation. So are they gonna get it together or what? Just a pointless sappy TsuSoka story, that i wanted to share! COMPLETED!
1. Chapter 1

Authors note: Heyo! This yami fic is set directly after the Kyoto arc in the animation. I've only read up to the second volume of the manga, so I'm really sorry if I get some things wrong or I'm misinformed about whatever stuff I don't know etc. ;;

Warnings: do not read this if you are offended by male x male relationships. Contains shonan-ai, angst and lots and lots of Hisoka and Tsuzuki fluff!

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Yami No Matsuei. They are the property of Matsushita-Sensei …. sniff …. I don't even own a copy of the animation - I borrowed it from a friend - and I only have copies of the first two volumes of the manga ….. Woe is me! sob sob! L

Part One

Fire. Huge orange flames surrounded him. It was hot. So hot. He could feel it slowly burning his skin, pressing closer and closer into him. There was no way past the huge flaming wall that surrounded him, and beyond it lay only darkness. He would die this time, he was sure ….

There was a glistening silver blade held tightly in his hand, the red flames reflecting from it's pristine surface, making it appear that it too was made of fire. He looked down at his already scarred wrist, as the emptiness swallowed him. He should do it …. A demon like him had no right to exist.

Without a second thought, he dragged the shining blade across his skin and instantly found himself covered in red, sticky blood.

But it was not his own.

The wrist that was bleeding was far too slim and pale to belong to him. He looked up once more and found himself face to face with a beautiful blonde haired boy. The huge bright green eye's were wide with disbelief and he too was covered in blood. His own blood. It was pouring from the gaping wound on his small, pale wrist.

"Tsuzuki?" The boy asked quietly. He sounded so far away, but the pain in his voice rang like an echo.

"W-what have I done!" Whispered Tsuzuki in anguish. I've killed him! Hisoka! I've murdered him!

Guilt and horror at what he had done rose in his chest as he looked down at the blood stained figure before him. Unable to contain himself, Tsuzuki began to scream in torment.

"Tsuzuki!" Hisoka sounded panicked and held the screaming mans arms tightly, with tears falling from his large, sorrowful eyes.

Tsuzuki continued to cry out in despair. What had he done? What had he done! He had killed his precious little Hisoka with his selfish actions! He had begged Tsuzuki to stay with him, to give him somewhere to exist, something to come home to, but he had turned his back on the heartfelt pleas, as if they meant nothing! He hadn't even thought about Hisoka and the pain it would cause him. He had hurt him… Hurt him badly and now Tsuzuki was covered in the boys hot crimson blood, marking him and proving his guilt. He had killed him! He had murdered him!

Hisoka had begun to shake him violently and was now shouting his name. The red blood poured out from his wound, and the fire was closing in on them, but still he shouted, "Tsuzuki? Tsuzuki!"

Tsuzuki's eyes snapped open. He was greeted by the pale, worried face of his partner, who was leaning over him. Hisoka was holding his arms and shaking him awake, looking terrified but with no trace of fire or blood anywhere.

Gasping for breath, Tsuzuki sat bolt upright and grabbed the boys small, frail shoulders. A nightmare. Thank the Gods, it had only been a nightmare! Hisoka was safe.

"Tsuzuki? Are you alright?" The blonde asked in concern, "do you want me to call Watari?"

That's right, he remembered, they were in the infirmary, still recovering from their recent fight against that psychotic Doctor. It had been over a week now since Tsuzuki had tried to end his own existence by summoning the flames of Touda. Hisoka had come to him, though, risking everything for the 'life' of his partner, without even considering the consequences to himself.

From that moment, Tsuzuki had realized the true extent of his feelings for his little partner. He had always admired him, for his strength, his attitude, his brains and his beauty. Yet, at the same time, he had always wanted to protect and shelter him from any pain. At first it had been very confusing for Tsuzuki. Did he want to save Hisoka, or be saved by him?

Then, in that burning old building, it had all made sense. He wanted both. They were saving each other, and that made the older Shinigami feel that 'life' was worth living again.

He wanted Hisoka to give him support in times of trouble. He wanted Hisoka to lean on him when he needed help. He wanted Hisoka to be with him always. _He wanted Hisoka_. He _loved_ Hisoka, more than anything else in the world …and that was the root of the problem.

With a small frown, Hisoka lifted his delicate hands and began to pry Tsuzuki's fingers from his shoulders, "I'm going to get Watari," he stated as he began to move away.

"No!" said Tsuzuki suddenly, making the boy jump as he pulled him into a tight hug.

"Tsuzuki!" Gasped Hisoka, the pink blush on his cheeks bringing out the colour of his striking green eyes, "what do you think your …."

"I'm sorry, Hisoka," Tsuzuki mumbled into the mop of soft ash blonde hair, "I'm sorry, I just …. Don't leave me. Please, don't go away."

He felt the slender teen relax slightly against Tsuzuki's tight hold on him, then thump the man lightly on the back with a small fist, "I-idiot. I'm not gonna get lost walking a few feet down the hall."

Tsuzuki didn't answer, but took a deep breath and smiled to himself. Yes, Hisoka was definatly fine, he decided wryly.

The older Shinigami took comfort not only in his little partners customary crabby attitude, but also because holding his tiny frame so closely to himself, he could hear his heartbeat. Granted, it was beating a bit faster than was usual, but Tsuzuki put that down to the fact that Hisoka wasn't used to so much physical contact, which only reassured him further. Not that something like a heartbeat _should _reassure him, really, since they were both dead anyway.

"Exactly!" Tutted Hisoka suddenly, "I'm dead anyway. You couldn't kill me, even if you tried, so stop being stupid, stupid!"

Tsuzuki stiffened as he remembered his partners Empathic abilities, "Hisoka, did you see …?"

"I couldn't really not," The teen sighed heavily, "I was awake anyway, and I noticed the change in your emotions. I-I, well, I knew you were having a nightmare again, so I thought I might wake you up before it got out of hand, but …."

Feeling ashamed, Tsuzuki pulled away from Hisoka. He leaned back against the headboard and focused on the large group of empty coffee mugs that were on Hisoka's bedside table. How would he ever be able to look into those beautiful green eyes again after what they had seen him do?

"You can stop that right now!" Snapped Hisoka irritably, "It was just a stupid dream and it doesn't mean a thing …. Look at me when I'm talking to you, idiot!"

Tsuzuki was slightly taken aback by his little friends tone. Even more so when a slender hand reached out and grabbed his chin, forcing eye contact. Hisoka very rarely made deliberate physical contact, not only because of his Empathy, but also because of the tragic life he had lived. He had faced violence, abuse, rape and eventually murder, so it was no wonder it made him uncomfortable, even afraid. But not this time.

Tsuzuki's breath caught in his throat at the sight before him. Hisoka was always beautiful, but never more so than when he was angry or impassioned as he was now. His cheeks were flushed, and although they looked tired, his bottle green eyes were flashing with emotion.

"Listen to me carefully," he began, still holding Tsuzuki's chin, "Dreams aren't real and they don't mean anything. All that ever comes of nightmares is a lack of sleep, nothing else. Do you understand? There's nothing to feel sorry about, because a dream is _nothing_.!

"But it's …."

"It's nothing! It didn't really happen and it's not going to, either …. I know you'd never hurt me deliberately."

He was so close. Tsuzuki could feel his cool breath fanning his face gently. His soft pink lips were moist and slightly parted, filling the older man with longing. He wanted to reach out and touch his soft, ash blonde hair, to hold him close and kiss him …. But he shouldn't do it …. He couldn't …..

Hisoka suddenly pulled his hand away as if burnt, jumped up from the creaky bed and backed away. He looked upset and angry.

Damn! How could he be so careless? He should have known better than to let his own selfish desires come to the fore while the young Empath was so close by; let alone touching him! Tsuzuki might love him, but it was clear that the feelings were not reciprocated.

Hisoka liked him, sure; he really cared about him, even. They were close friends, probably the closest that the young Shinigami had ever had, but that was where it stopped. Any attempt made to take their relationship further was soon stopped with either a gasp of surprise or an irritated frown. And now to top it all off, he had seen what had passed through Tsuzuki's mind, and he was afraid …. So much for never hurting him ….

"Hisoka," He said as a fresh wave of guilt and self pity washed over him, "I'm sorry …. I didn't mean …."

The look of hurt fell from Hisoka's face and was quickly replaced by his usual stoic frown, "Go back to bed, Tsuzuki."

Now he's mad at me, he thought miserably, "but Hisoka, I …."

"Your still half asleep, idiot, and your not making any sense. Go to sleep."

Tsuzuki suddenly understood that he was being given an escape route. He wasn't awake properly, and he hadn't meant it. In the morning it would be like nothing had happened.

It was a cover that they both wanted, but Tsuzuki couldn't help but feel that it wasn't right, somehow. He _was_ starting to get tired again, though ….

"Thank you, Hisoka," he smiled wearily as he lay back down on his bed.

"Yeah right," Grumbled his partner quietly, "Idiot."

Tsuzuki closed his violet eyes and snuggled down under the blankets. After a few moments of silence, he heard Hisoka sigh and start to move around the room, first walking up to the far side of the infirmary. Listening to the soft clinking of cutlery on ceramics, Tsuzuki realized that he was making himself a coffee from the small machine that Watari kept especially for patients. He then could make out the sound of water running and filling up the sink as little slippered feet pitter-pattered back towards the beds. Then, although it was very quiet, there was a strange clacking coming from the bedside table.

Unable to contain his curiosity any longer, Tsuzuki opened his eyes again to see what his partner was up to. He watched in disbelief as Hisoka loaded up the empty coffee mugs onto a tray.

"What are you doing?"

The sudden question caused the boy to jump, nearly dropping the three mugs he was holding. It was no surprise to Tsuzuki when he span around angrily and shouted, "Idiot! What the hell are you playing at? Shut up and get to sleep already!"

"Hisokaaaa!" Whined Tsuzuki, "Don't be so meeean! I just wanna know what your doing!"

With an irritated sigh, Hisoka turned his back on his partner and continued to fill the tray with his used coffee cups, "I'm doing the washing up."

"The washing up? But it's nearly 3 in the morning! Why aren't you going to sleep?"

"I should be asking you the same question, stupid!"

Hisoka picked up the well stacked tray from his bed and turned to face the older Shinigami, "Go to sleep, Tsuzuki. If your still afraid, and you have another nightmare, I promise to be here when you wake up, okay?"

"But …."

"Sleep!"

The look on the teens delicate face and the tone of his voice quelled any further argument, so Tsuzuki decided to back down. He really was getting very sleepy, too …. And the bed was so cosy ….

"'Kay, but you gotta sleep soon, too," he mumbled drowsily, "s'not healthy to miss sleep …."

"Goodnight, Tsuzuki." He heard Hisoka sigh again as he walked back to the sink. When had he closed his eyes?

He once again listened as Hisoka continued his task of washing the mugs. It was a comfort to hear him moving about, so seemingly full of life. Tsuzuki smiled in content as he heard the young man start to hum softly to himself, probably without even realizing he was doing it.

Yes, he loved Hisoka, so much that it hurt to contain it. He would contain it, though, because the boy's happiness meant more to him than his own. If Hisoka wasn't ready to hear what his older partners true feelings were, then Tsuzuki would wait, even if it took all eternity. For now, just being near him was enough ….

End Part One

Authors Note (Part Two!): Hey, me again! Well, that's part One, Part Two is coming up soon (Don't know when exactly, but soon! ) I hope it's okay and I'm still really sorry if it's rubbish and ooc, but, well, I'm pretty sick just now, and I think it turned out okay considering ….. I'm always pleased to receive constructive criticism, but I must warn you; all flames will be promptly returned to the sender via aerosol can (heh heh - instant flame thrower! …. Get it? X)


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two:

"Where in Meifu did all these cups come from!"

Hisoka looked up from the book he was reading to find a very surprised Watari pointing at the mountain of white mugs sat on the draining board. Damn, he cursed silently, He'd lost track of the time. He'd meant to take them back to the break room before anyone noticed.

Trying not to make a big deal of it, he looked mildly up at the scientist and shrugged, "They're mine."

"What, all of them!" Asked Watari incredulously, "Were they all coffee?"

Without looking up, Hisoka shrugged again in affirmation.

"I know you like your coffee, Bon, but …." Watari faltered slightly under Hisoka's cold glare, "Well …. It's a wonder you got any sleep at all!"

"I slept perfectly fine, thank you very much." Snapped Hisoka irritably as he shut his book and tossed it onto his bedside table.

What was Watari's problem, anyway? Why was he prying like this? He pumped more alcohol into himself than Hisoka did coffee, so what right had he to talk? Maybe he knew what was going on. Had he guessed what Hisoka was doing?

"Okay! Okay!" Laughed the amber eyed Shinigami, holding up his hands in defence, "I'm just saying, it's not healthy to drink so much of it in such a short space of time, that's all!"

"Fine," sighed Hisoka, "I'll be more careful."

Watari nodded in satisfaction, and began bustling about the infirmary. Usually Hisoka wouldn't have given in so easily, feeling that it was his body and he could do what he damn well felt like with it, but the green eyed youth had decided that it didn't really matter. Even if Watari did know what he had been up to, he couldn't actually do anything about it, because today was his and Tsuzuki's last day in the medical centre.

The truth was, the reason he'd been drinking so much coffee, was to keep himself awake. Since the Kyoto incident, Tsuzuki wasn't the only one suffering from nightmares. Hisoka was just to frightened to close his eyes; it was practically an invite to let the darkness take him. It didn't help that when he eventually did fall asleep, he was woken again by Tsuzuki's terrified screams, as he tried to escape his own nightmares. Not, of course, that it was his older partners fault.

Sure, Hisoka had always had bad dreams, for as long as he could remember, but nowhere near as horrific as these. Coming from the young Shinigami, that was really saying something.

As if nightmares of Muraki raping, cursing and murdering him weren't enough, he now had to contend with something much more frightening and possibly even likely to happen while he was awake.

He glanced across at the brown haired man sleeping peacefully in the bed beside his.

- _Tsuzuki …. Please, don't leave me …. Not now that I understand how much you mean to me …. -_

It had taken him a long time to realize just how deep his feelings ran for his older partner. He had never experienced love before, so the emotion was unfamiliar, and therefore, hard to identify.

It had also been such a gradual thing too, which hadn't helped matters. He hadn't always loved Tsuzuki, that was for sure. His emotions towards the violet eyed man had changed many, many times since they'd first met.

Hisoka smiled slightly at the memory of they're first encounter. Nope, it definitely wasn't love at first sight In fact, his first feeling towards Tsuzuki had actually been to try and kill him. Granted, it hadn't lasted very long - five minutes, tops - but it had been there.

What could he say? He'd thought the man was a vampire, so it was kinda natural to want to kill him, right?

Wanting to shoot him had quickly subsided, though, when he'd found out they were to be partners, and turned into a strong urge to strangle him, instead. The man was an idiot, for crying out loud! Not only that, but he'd stolen Hisoka's dinner and got him drunk _and_ comatose all within a few hours of them being introduced!

Again, though, that emotion had quickly changed from anger to mild annoyance, then to grudging respect and on to comradary, after just one case together.

Then came the cases of Hijiri and the Queen Camellia. Although it had taken a while, Hisoka decided that you just couldn't go through things like that together without becoming friends.

They had been happy together as friends. They enjoyed each others company, felt at ease and relied on each other a lot. Although he was loathe to admit to his faith in another, the young Shinigami had felt that they had a lot of trust between them …. But he had been wrong.

Kyoto had changed everything. It was during that last case that Hisoka had found that he knew next to nothing about his partners life and past.

It wasn't that he hadn't wondered how Tsuzuki had died, or how he had lived, even. His family, his childhood, his home were all things that Hisoka had mulled over in his spare time, but being such a private person himself, he didn't like to pry into other peoples business. If Tsuzuki had wanted him to know, then he would have told him, surely?

Hisoka should have asked him, though; he really wished he had. If he'd known, things might have been different. Maybe Muraki would never have caught his partner in the first place, which would then mean that he wouldn't have torture Tsuzuki into attempting a second suicide. It would also mean that Hisoka wouldn't have had to ruin they're friendship by blackmailing Tsuzuki into living with his confession of love.

Sure, he hadn't actually said, "I love you," but Tsuzuki had obviously understood him, or things wouldn't have changed so much between them.

As he watched his sleeping partners chest rise and fall slowly, he realized that things had changed a lot in the last ten days or so.

It was nice that Tsuzuki now reached out to Hisoka if he needed to feel comforted, and although the physical contact still made the teen jump, it wasn't nearly as bad as it used to be. However, when they did touch, although there was always an immense feeling of warmth and security, often, he would feel the older mans emotions change to those of remorse and pity.

He hated that …. The guilt was unbearable.

It was as if Tsuzuki didn't really want to be with him, but felt that he had to.

_Well, _thought Hisoka sadly, _I guess that's what I get for forcing him to stay with me._

It was like what had happened last night after Tsuzuki's nightmare. He had held the violet eyed man and told him not to be afraid, and a great warmth had suddenly been directed at him. It had wrapped it's self around Hisoka, enveloping him in security, happiness, contentment and, well, _heat._ He had suddenly felt a strong desire for Tsuzuki to kiss him, and for minute there, he'd really thought he was going to, but that's when he'd heard it. Tsuzuki had projected the thoughts loud and clear.

"…_. I shouldn't do this …. I can't …."_

The thought had shot through Hisoka like a painful bullet. He'd wanted Tsuzuki to kiss him, but not if he didn't want to …. Not just to humour him ….

He didn't want it like that. He didn't want Tsuzuki to pity him; he wanted him to be happy, and to stay with him because he wanted to. He just wanted Tsuzuki to love him back.

Closing his large green eyes and tilting his head back to rest against the wall, the icey fingers of despair gripped his heart. What had he been thinking? If his own parents couldn't love him, then what hope was there for anyone else?

Besides, Tsuzuki deserved better. He needed someone loving, strong and selfless to be with, not a cold hearted, weak little brat.

He opened his eyes again and once more returned to watching Tsuzuki sleep. As his partners head twitched slightly to one side as he slept, his chocolate brown bangs fell across his face, obscuring most of it from the boys view. _He needs a haircut, _noted Hisoka silently. Did a Shinigami's hair even grow? His own body would stay that of a 16 year old, even though mentally he was nearly 19. He would always be seen as just a little kid, no matter how many years passed.

No, he couldn't giveTsuzuki what he needed. Hisoka knew that he was being selfish to cling tohim like this. He knew he should just let him go …. Leave him alone …. But ….

"Y'know," said Watari suddenly from next to the bed, "It's gonna be really hard for him."

Hisoka felt himself flush with embarrassment at being caught staring. He was so tired from his sleepless nights, and he'd been so wrapped up in his thoughts that he had forgotten that the frizzy haired scientist was even there.

"What's going to be hard?" Asked the still blushing teen, trying desperately to hide his mortification and keep his voice level.

"Well, today's the last day you two will be here, so I guess you'll be heading back to you apartment to sort yourself out, won't you?"

Hisoka raised an eyebrow. Where was he going with this?

"Yeah, so?"

"Soooo," sang Watari, not making any eye contact with the boy, "I really hate to think of him rattling around his house on his own for the next few weeks."

"What do you mean 'on his own for the next few weeks'?" What exactly was he being accused of?

Watari smiled benevolently at something apparently out the window behind Hisoka, "Well, a few weeks because your both being signed off until further notice, and all I meant was that Tsuzuki's probably gonna be bored outta his skull with nothing to do and no one to pester. He'll probably get really lonely, won't he?"

Hisoka was suddenly very angry at the man smiling over his shoulder. He recognized a guilt trip when he heard one, and he was hurt that Watari seemed to think so little of him.

"Watari, I don't know what's made you think I would," he said quietly, "But I'm not just going to ditch Tsuzuki after everything that's happened, am I?"

For the first time since they're sketchy conversation had begun, Watari turned his wide smile directly towards Hisoka, "I actually didn't think you would, Bon, but I was just checking for someone!"

He was totally confused by the sudden change, "W-what the ….?"

Suddenly he realized that it wasn't the window that Watari had been smiling at, but something else that the boy had had his back to. Hisoka turned himself around to face what he dreaded, but knew would be there.

Tsuzuki was laying on his side in his rickety hospital bed, with his dark head propped up on his hand, smiling happily across at his little partner.

"Y-you!" Spluttered Hisoka, "You were awake the whole time!"

"Yeah, I was," he laughed, completely unabashed.

"Idiot," the boy grumbled, "why didn't you just ask me yourself?"

His partner shrugged at him, still smiling happily, "I didn't think you'd want to."

"Well, why not?"

Tsuzuki moved himself so that he was sat on the edge of his bed and facing the blonde haired teen. His violet eyes were sparkling with joy and mischief, "Does that mean you'll come and stay with me for a while?"

Blushing furiously in the presence of so much beauty, Hisoka could only manage a small nod. It was a small nod that caused him to be completely bowled over, not only by a veritable explosion of happiness, but also the owner of the emotion. He practically jumped on the startled boy and hugged him tightly while scuffing up his soft hair and squealing with suppressed joy.

Yes, Hisoka knew that he should let Tsuzuki go, but he just couldn't do it …. Not yet, anyway. He wanted to look after him, to take care of him and to help him get better. For now, just being near him was enough.

End Part Two

Authors notes: Yay! Part two is all finished! I hope it was okay for you all. I know I shouldn't really use it as an excuse, but I'm just so ill lately, and I've got really bad insomnia, so I think that's reflected a lot in Hisoka's current state of mind ….. Sorry about that. --;;

Please, please review! I really want to know how to get better at this, because I love Hisoka and Tsuzuki so much that I really want to do them the justice they deserve! > 


	3. Chapter 3

**Part Three:**

Tsuzuki watched in fascination as his little green-eyed partner bustled about his kitchen, doing about five things at once. He was cleaning, cooking and packing away the shopping from their recent excursion to the market, all very calmly and without even breaking a sweat. When asked if he needed any help with anything, Hisoka had told him to make the most of it, while passing him a hot cup of tea.

This must be heaven! The boy was a veritable storm of good house keeping, and Tsuzuki was loving the attention!

When he'd brought his things from his own apartment earlier to come and stay, Hisoka had asked if he minded him doing the cooking and cleaning in return for him putting him up. At first, the older man had refused, telling him that he was a guest, and that he didn't have to do anything at all. After all, Tsuzuki had been the one to ask him to stay …. Um - Kinda …. But when he'd said that to the young blonde, he had suddenly looked really disappointed; crestfallen, even!

Well, who was Tsuzuki to argue? If Hisoka wanted to look after him that badly, then how could he deny him? Besides, he was so good at all this domestic stuff. It was like having a really cute little house wife!

Tsuzuki smiled blissfully as he watched the youth sip his black coffee, trying to imagine him in a pink frilly apron ….

"Pack it in, Tsuzuki!" Growled Hisoka suddenly, mentally shaking the older man from his strange little fantasy.

"Eh?" He smiled dazedly up at the boy. He looked so pretty right now, with those big green eyes, that cute little frown and blushing, pink cheeks, brandishing a heavy, wooden rolling pin.

THWAK!

"OW!" Yelped Tsuzuki, clasping at his sore knuckles where he'd been hit, "What was that for?"

"I said cut it out, and I meant it!" Said Hisoka peevishly, "A pink apron; I ask you!"

Turning his huge, teary, violet eyes towards his grumpy little partner, and still clasping his bruised hand, Tsuzuki whined pitifully, "Hisokaaa! That reeeally huuurt!"

That did it. That _always _did it. Hisoka was a real sucker for the infamous puppy dog pout, and now was no exception. If anything, since the Kyoto incident, he had become much more susceptible to it.

Tsuzuki watched in amusement as the blushing teens expressive green eyes flickered from annoyance to worry. He had long ago worked out that you could, infact, see past the young Shinigami's cold exterior, if you were quick and knew where to look.

Hisoka slowly crossed the kitchen to where his partner was sat at the small table, still whining and nursing his injured knuckles.

"Let me see," he said quietly, taking Tsuzuki's hand and carefully examining the bruising that the rolling pin had inflicted.

Tsuzuki had to keep his thoughts in check this time. He didn't want another incident like the one last night to happen. He'd never win Hisoka over if he kept scaring him off like that.

He wasn't going to think about how soft and cool the boys delicate hands felt against his own rough and callused ones.

He wasn't going to think about how good his gentle fingers felt as they caressed his swollen knuckles.

He wasn't going to think about how pretty his well kept and almost feminine nails made his slender hands look.

He definitely wasn't going to think about his beautiful, almost shimmering skin; not only on his hands, but on his entire body. He was so soft, like satin, and as white as alabaster. Except his lips …. His lips were pink; a very dusky pink, but they still looked so soft and inviting ….

No, he wasn't going to think about what it would be like to kiss them, or whether they felt as soft as they looked ….

"Tsuzuki," said Hisoka suddenly.

Ah! Had he been caught again? Tsuzuki watched carefully as the boy continued to inspect his already healing hand.

"I'm sorry, Tsuzuki," he mumbled, "I didn't realize …. I mean …. I didn't mean to hit you so hard …."

Oh Gods, Hisoka was just so adorable! He was actually really worried that he'd hurt him! Usually Tsuzuki would squeal and rant about the blushing youth's cuteness, but the fact that Hisoka wouldn't meet his eye and the sadness that could be heard in his voice dissuaded him from doing so. He felt a little guilty for being the cause of his partners misery, but couldn't help but feel slightly frustrated with him too.

Why did Hisoka beat himself up like this? It just didn't make sense. It was like, since they had returned from their last disastrous mission, the boy was terrified that Tsuzuki would be angry or upset with him. Didn't he know that as long as they were together, nothing he ever said or did could hurt the older man? Did he really care about him that much? Maybe there really was hope for the two of them, after all ….

Smiling softly, he reached out his good hand and brushed a lock of flaxen hair from his elegant face. Huge, green eyes looked up at him questioningly, causing Tsuzuki's heart to skip a beat.

"Don't be dumb, Hisoka," he smiled, "It doesn't suit you."

Instead of blushing or getting angry - which is what Tsuzuki had expected - Hisoka looked even more sad and upset than he had before.

"I cause you so much trouble, don't I, Tsuzuki? Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me."

Before the older man had a chance to dismiss this ridiculous statement, Hisoka shocked him into silence as he lifted Tsuzuki's hand and gently pressed his cool lips to the now healed knuckles.

As quickly as it had begun, though, it was over, and the furiously blushing teen was back on the other side of the kitchen, continuing to cook and sip his coffee as if nothing had happened.

……

Hisoka had kissed him.

……

He had actually, deliberately kissed his hand.

……

Wow.

……

Tsuzuki sat there, mouth hanging open, completely dumbfounded for several minutes, as he tried to make sense of what had just happened.

It had been so wholly unexpected. What had prompted him to do something so _totally_ un-Hisoka-like? Had he just meant it as a friendly gesture? He had only _lightly _brushed his dusky lips across the skin, and it had only been his hand, after all …. But …. Hisoka just _didn't _go around kissing people. He hardly even _ touched _people! But kissing? It would have to be something pretty special, he was sure, or _someone …._

Hope and joy suddenly stirred in Tsuzuki's heart at the thought. Could it be possible that it had meant something more? Could Hisoka possibly ….

"If that's not enough, then there's a bit more in the pan …. I might have overdone it slightly."

Tsuzuki looked up at the green eyed boy suddenly sat at the table opposite him.

"What?"

"Dinner," frowned Hisoka, pointing at the steaming plates in front of them, "I was just saying that I'm not used to cooking for two people, so I think I've made too much."

Tsuzuki stared blankly at his partner for a few seconds, then down at the plate of vegetables and shrimp-fried rice in front of him. Suddenly, he smiled widely and picked up his chopsticks, "Mmmmm, food!"

Hisoka shook his head with a slight tut and began picking at his own dinner.

_If that's what you'd call it, _ noted Tsuzuki with a grimace, _there's hardly enough there to be worth dirtying the plate for!_

Watching the boy between mouthfuls of rice, the older Shinigami decided that Hisoka definitely didn't look after himself properly. It took all of his self restraint not to force the remaining food in the pan into that pretty little mouth and _make_ him eat it.

It wasn't just his eating habits that were a worry, either. As beautiful as the big emerald orbs were, Tsuzuki had noticed that the dark rings around Hisoka's eyes were starting to make him look a little like a panda bear.

Flicking his too long bangs out of his face, he thought back to the conversation he and Watari had shared while Hisoka had been packing his things ….

/Flashback/

"He's not sleeping, y'know." Commented Watari casually as he packed up the last of Hisoka's coffee mugs.

Tsuzuki sighed heavily, "No, I didn't think he was. We can't do anything, though. We've got no proof."

"No kidding. I really thought I had him cornered this morning with all these coffee cups, but he was having none of it. Nearly blew my head off trying to convince me he was fine!"

The two men looked at each other and chuckled at the antics of the boy. Did Hisoka honestly think he could share a room with Tsuzuki, spend the day with Watari floating around the Medical Centre and not have either of them notice that he didn't sleep?

"What can we do?" smile Tsuzuki sadly, "we've got more chance of catching Tatsumi napping at his desk than Hisoka asking for help, so what else is there?"

Watari leaned against the counter top thoughtfully, "Well, thinking about it, I don't think it's a simple case of insomnia that we're dealing with here. His not sleeping could result in something much worse that simply passing out."

Tsuzuki's violet eyes widened with worry at these words.

"Have you noticed his Empathy's been a little bit 'off' lately?" asked Watari carefully.

"What do you mean?"

"Just a few things happened this morning that made me think," the scientist unconsciously twirled a bit of his long, frizzy hair around his fingers, "first of all, I made him jump; twice. The first time was when I came into the room; he didn't notice me until I actually spoke to him. Then again later on when he was watching you pretend to sleep …."

Tsuzuki had the grace to look slightly sheepish and Watari grinned widely before continuing, "he nearly shot through the ceiling when I started talking. I'd been stood there for ages, but it was like he couldn't even tell I was in the room! It's just not like him."

After a few minutes of thinking about it, Tsuzuki nodded slowly, "what's the other thing that got you thinking?"

"That would be you."

"Me?"

"Yeah, you. He's got a much stronger connection with you than anyone else, right?"

"I like to think so …." Mumbled the brunette, blushing considerably.

Watari smiled fondly at his embarrassed friend, "well, he does. The point is that he can usually tell when your faking sleep to get out of your paper work, can't he? So why didn't he notice it today? The only conclusion I can come to is that he's so stressed out that his Empathy isn't functioning properly."

Tsuzuki took a deep breath, in an attempt to calm himself. Anything that messed around with Hisoka's Empathic abilities couldn't be a good thing, "So what does this mean? What will this _do _to him?"

"Basically, if he keeps this up, either his Empathy will stop all together, he'll mis-read everyone's emotions or, more likely, his barriers will crumble and he'll be bombarded with every thought and feeling within a 10 mile radius. Which ever way, it's not gonna be good."

"Why does he torture himself like this!" Tsuzuki asked, thoroughly exasperated with his young partner, "If he'd only talk to me, maybe I could help him!"

Watari patted his shoulder, reassuringly, "you still can help him. If he won't talk to anyone and can't solve the problem on his own, then eventually he's just gonna run himself into the ground. Even a Shinigami needs _some _sleep to recover their energy, and coffee will only work for so long …."

"I thought you said I could help him?"

"You can, Tsuzuki. Al I'm saying is that when he does run out of steam, he's just gonna pass out. The best thing you can do for him is just make sure your there when it happens. It'll probably be really sudden and pretty severe, so feel free to call me if you need a hand. In the mean time, just get him to the nearest bed and when he wakes up, try and talk some sense into him. Chances are, once he's cornered, he'll cave in and finally accept some help."

Tsuzuki rubbed his palm across his forehead and closed his eye's, "so really, what your saying is that we can't do anything at all."

"Sorry, Tsuzuki, but it's all up to Bon now," Watari shrugged, "all we can do for now is wait. Wait, hope, and be here if he needs us …."

/End Flashback/

Tsuzuki finished eating his dinner and leaned back on the wooden chair. Hisoka had hardly touched the miniscule amount of food on his plate and had now resorted to merely pushing the rice around with the ends of his chopsticks.

Watari had said that all they could do was wait. Essentially, what he'd said was to wait for Hisoka to either pass out or for his Empathy to rip him to pieces; whichever came first. True, he'd also said to hope that the boy came to his senses and sorted out whatever the problem was or asked someone for help, but what were the chances of that happening?

Although he knew it wasn't Watari's fault, Tsuzuki couldn't help but feel angry about the situation. He wasn't being big-headed or anything, but Hisoka only ever came to him if he needed help with something. Not that it happened very often, but because of everything that had passed in Kyoto, the older man knew that his partner would not want to bother him.

_He probably thinks it's something childish and stupid, _decided Tsuzuki silently, _he wants me to concentrate on sorting myself out instead of worrying about him._

No, it was just no good. Hisoka wouldn't ask for help and Tsuzuki wouldn't just sit back and watch the fragile teen suffer by himself. He had to do something. Right now.

"Do you need any help with that?" The brunette plastered a fake smile on his face, hoping desperately that the boys failing Empathy wouldn't pick up on it.

"Why? Do you want it?" Came the almost hopeful reply.

Tsuzuki sighed and regarded his little partner steadily for a few seconds. Standing up and shuffling his chair round the small table until he was next to the young blonde, he plonked himself back down heavily and took Hisoka's chopsticks from his slender hand.

Emerald eyes watched him curiously as he picked up a chunk of the fried rice and aimed it at Hisoka's mouth, "Here. Open wide."

A little pale hand shot up like a barrier between mouth and chopsticks, "Hey! What do you think your playing at?"

"I'm feeding you your dinner."

"What?" Asked Hisoka incredulously. His face was as red as a tomato from a mixture of rage and embarrassment as he snapped, "I can do it myself, thank you very much!"

Completely un-put off by his young partners furious stare and the adamant hand still blocking his mouth, Tsuzuki continued to try and force feed him.

"Really?" He said conversationally, "It didn't look that way to me a few minutes ago …. Now open up."

"Tsuzuki! Stop it!" Growled the blonde furiously as he continued to fend off the older mans insistent chopsticks, "Leave me alone! I'm not hungry!"

"Look Hisoka," said Tsuzuki seriously, as he paused his attempt to force feed the boy, "You've barely had five decent mouthfuls, and I know for a fact that you didn't have breakfast _or _lunch today, either. Now open your mouth or I'll hold your nose until you _have _to."

"W-what the …. H-how …. Tsu-Tsuzuki! Have you been spying on me?"

" 'Spying' is a very strong word," He smiled at his seething partner, "I prefer the term 'keeping an eye on you' and yes, I have been."

Even as he said it, Tsuzuki knew what the younger mans reaction would be. Not only was he a very private person, but he also didn't like for people to fuss over him like a child. He would be livid to know that the violet eyed Shinigami had been watching him.

"What!" Yelled Hisoka furiously, "Why? It's none of your damn business! You should be concentrating on getting _yourself _back together, not me! Why the hell are you …."

"Because I'm worried about you," Tsuzuki said softly.

He watched as the boy's tirade ended abruptly, leaving him with a very stunned expression on his face. Did he really find it that hard to believe?

"I'm really worried about you," he repeated, trying to make Hisoka understand how much he was cared about, "Your going to make yourself ill if you don't start taking better care of yourself."

The slender teen slowly leaned back on his chair and folded his arms with a sigh. He was definitely softening; he just needed one more little nudge.

"Pleeease Hisoka!" Whined Tsuzuki, with his very best sparkling, puppy eyes, "for me?"

Hisoka frowned as he considered the man before him. The brunette didn't have to be an Empath to know the argument that was going on in the boys head. One the one hand, he didn't want to give in, because that would make him seem weak, but on the other hand, he knew that his partner wouldn't stop pestering him until he _did._ Plus, Tsuzuki knew that he couldn't resist the puppy face ….

"Alright, fine. I'll finish the stupid rice," grumbled Hisoka, snatching the chopsticks from his triumphant partner, "but I can feed myself, thank you."

"Okay!" Beamed Tsuzuki happily as the boy began to eat again, "but just make sure you eat _all _of it! I expect you to lick that plate clean!"

Hisoka scowled at him, but continued to chew his food slowly. Seeing him sulking like this only made Tsuzuki smile wider. He just looked so cute when he did that!

The brunette jumped up from his seat and grabbed the pan from the hob behind him. Well, at least Hisoka was eating something, he chuckled to himself as he tipped the remaining fried rice and vegetables onto his own plate. While they were living together, he would be able to make sure that the boy ate properly, and hopefully he'd be able to get him to sleep, too.

Of course, the big plan was to get Hisoka to move in permanently. It was something that he had originally thought was impossible, but the last hour or so had changed his belief of that.

Hisoka _had _kissed him. Whether he'd meant to do it or not, that little kiss had been proof that the young blonde felt more for his older partner than just friendship. Tsuzuki was sure that it had been more than just a thoughtless gesture …. It _had _to be.

End Part Three

Authors note: Aaaaah! Finished at last! Man, for a minute there, I didn't think I was gonna do it! But here it is, part three is officially done and dusted! I really hope everyone likes it. I've been working really hard on this, so I hope it's okay and doesn't totally suck! ;;

Once again, if there's anything you think isn't that great, or you have any helpful suggestions, please feel free to leave a comment. I really enjoy hearing what readers think of my li'l fic, so drop me a line, 'kay?

And last, but not least, I really want to say a big fat thank you to everyone that has taken the time to comment already. You've been my driving force these last 48 hours, so thanks a billion to you all. 

Until next time, then! Take care!


	4. Chapter 4

**Part Four:**

Hisoka was absolutely furious with himself; what had he been thinking? Had he completely lost his mind, or what! It had almost been like his body had moved before his brain had time to think, and then there was nothing he could do about it. It wasn't like he could just walk up to Tsuzuki and _un-kiss _him, was it?

Thankfully though, his violet eyed partner hadn't given it a lot of thought. It was possible that he'd been slightly happy, but for some reason Tsuzuki's mental walls were stronger than usual today, so the blondes Empathy hadn't been able to pick up much more than that ... Still, at least his little 'slip up' hadn't caused too much awkwardness between the two of them. Since they were currently living together, that was the last thing they needed.

Hisoka looked across at the clock on the shelf. It had just turned 2:30am and the slender teen was sat cross-legged at the end of his bed, deep in thought. He didn't know why, but for some reason tonight was passing particularly slowly, and even after several trips to the kitchen for coffee, he was starting to feel really tired. He'd tried reading at first, but had found that he wasn't really taking any of it in, and had ended tossing the book aside impatiently.

Feeling that perhaps he needed something more physical to keep himself awake, Hisoka had then left the small bedroom and proceeded to tidy and dust Tsuzki's lounge. Although he didn't know where his messy partner kept everything, he could mostly guess, and what he couldn't he piled up neatly on the small coffee table. When he was finished, he stepped back to admire his handy-work and check the time.

It had taken him a good hour to complete the task, but once again he had been left with nothing to do. He couldn't flick on the TV, for fear of waking his sleeping partner, and he wouldn't go out for a walk either, incase Tsuzuki suffered another nightmare and needed him. With that thought in mind, the boy had returned to his room to try and wait it out.

Stretching himself slowly, Hisoka moved up from the end of the bed to lean against the head bord as he reflected on the earlier events of the night.

After the little 'battle of wills' at dinner, the evening had passed relatively quietly. Tsuzuki had sat and eaten dessert while Hisoka had done the washing up, then he'd gone to finish un-packing his belongings in the spare room while his partner had showered. Personally, Hisoka preferred to shower in the mornings, so once he had sorted out the room and the older man was dried and dressed, they sat on Tsuzuki's couch together and watched some TV.

As the evening wore on, Hisoka noticed that the brunette was starting to nod off, and so decided that it was time for bed. Tsuzuki had agreed quite readily, but had asked the teen about six different times if he was going to bed, too.

Each time he asked, and the boy answered 'yes', Tsuzuki had looked uncharacteristically irritated, opened his mouth as if to say more, but then suddenly cut himself off again. Eventually, Hisoka had got a little annoyed with this and had simply wished him goodnight and shut himself in his room without even checking that Tsuzuki _had _gone to bed.

Well, so it might have seemed. Hisoka had actually waited in his room listening out until he heard the click of his friends door and then the squeak of his bed a few minutes later ...

Hisoka sighed and looked across at the wall that separated their rooms. Although he knew that Tsuzuki wasn't far away, he couldn't help but miss his presence. Since Kyoto, they had been sleeping in the medical room together, and many of the green eyed youths sleepless nights were spent gazing across at the handsome face of his partner.

At least Tsuzuki seemed to be okay. His Empathy hadn't picked up any severe change in his emotions at all since bed time, and that meant that he, at least, was sleeping soundly.

_It's probably helped that he's back in his own bed, _decided Hisoka silently. It hurt him to realize that the fact the older man didn't need him in the same room to sleep peacefully anymore brought them just one step closer to when the boy finally left. He knew it was still much too soon to actually go up to the chief and request a transfer, but he needed to start distancing himself now, to prepare them both for when the time came.

The thought of having to leave the only person he'd ever truly loved (and probably the last) made Hisoka's heart ache. He didn't know how he was going to cope, or if he even would, but he knew that he had to do it. It wasn't fair to force Tsuzuki to live by holding this one sided love over his head. He needed to decide for himself if he wanted his existence to continue, without interference from _anybody._ The young blonde loved his partner too much to pressurize him into living if he really didn't want to. Hisoka knew that he had been selfish in Kyoto, and now he had to make amends, no matter how much his heart screamed in protest.

"Dammit!" he cursed under his breath as he hopped off the bed and began pacing the length of the room in agitation.

It wasn't doing him any good just sitting there and tearing himself to pieces over it, he decided as he ran a hand through his short ash blonde hair. It hurt and he knew it always would, but he _had_ to leave Tsuzuki to make up his own mind, and that's all there was to it!

Hisoka pulled the bedroom curtains open with another heavy sigh. _He'll never love me the way I love him. I'm being so selfish and pathetic to think that he would, _he thought sadly as he rubbed at his tired and aching eyes, _he deserves someone much better than me._

"Dammit!" he cursed again, only slightly louder this time. He wasn't going to think about this now! He _couldn't_! It felt like he was deliberately throwing his heart into a blender!

He softly thumped his forehead against the cold window as he tried to clear his mind of those stunning violet eyes. Unfortunately, the more he tried not to think about it, the harder the job became, causing a sharp pain to lance through his chest. He didn't _want _to leave his beautiful and precious Asato ...

"No! No! No!" he growled in frustration as his fist slammed down onto the solid wooden window cill with a painful thud. He was just making this worse! The handsome brunette wasn't _'His Asato'_, he was simply 'Tsuzuki'. If he started calling him by his first name now, it would just make the whole situation even more hopeless and painful than it already was! He _had _to keep a tight reign on his emotions, before he said or did something that would hurt them both ...

"Are you alright?" Asked a familiar voice in his ear as a warm hand suddenly picked up his tightly clenched fist from the window cill.

Hisoka gasped and whipped round sharply, just in time to see a pyjama-clad Tsuzuki lift the pink knuckled hand to his lips and hold it against them in a gentle kiss.

"There. All better!" Smiled the violet eyed man as he shook his too long and sleep mussed hair from his face.

Hisoka didn't know what to be more shocked about; the fact that Tsuzuki had just kissed him, or that the person with the loudest emotions in all of Meifu had just snuck up on him without his Empathy giving so much as a flicker.

"Tsuzuki?" he whispered, "H-how long have you been there?"

His taller partner continued to hold onto Hisoka's hand and laughed, "Well, long enough to see you swearing and beating up the poor window!"

That long? Why hadn't he felt him? What was wrong with his Empathy? Although he always cursed his ability aloud, Hisoka knew that he relied on it a lot, and he didn't like this strange quiet.

Even stood here with Tsuzuki holding his hand, the young Empath could only slightly hear the emotions his partner was feeling, and he had to try very hard to pick them apart. Fear, Amusement, Worry, Embarrassment, Fear ...Wait a minute; Fear?

"Tsuzuki, what's wrong?" he asked, "Why are you here?"

Tsuzuki looked sheepishly down at the floor, "Um ... I had a bit of a nightmare. When I woke up, you weren't there, so I thought I'd come find you ..."

He'd had a nightmare? Why hadn't Hisoka noticed? He had specifically stretched out his Empathy to keep a watch on Tsuzuki so that he'd be able to wake him if needed, but he hadn't felt a thing!

"I'm sorry," he mumbled guiltily, "I didn't even notice."

"What are you sorry for? I didn't expect you to notice. You should be asleep anyway, Hisoka."

"I haven't been awake long," he lied quickly. It wouldn't do to blow his cover now, but as his partner looked dubiously between him and the neatly made bed, he realized that he might be too late.

However, instead of pointing out that the bed obviously hadn't been slept in at all, Tsuzuki simply pulled the lissom teen into a tight embrace. Hisoka stiffened slightly in the strong arms, but quickly relaxed into Tsuzuki's familiar warmth and scent.

"Hisoka," he said gently into the boys hair, "I know things have been ... Well ... a little bit difficult between us lately ..."

_No kidding, _thought Hisoka derisively.

"... But no matter how much one or both of our feelings have changed for each other, I want you to know that all the basics are still there. We're still partners;" Tsuzuki hugged him tighter, "We're still _friends_. You can still come to me if you need help, or if you just want to talk ...Just as I know I can still come to you."

Even through his muted Empathy, Hisoka could feel the sincerity of his words, and it touched him. He was so happy to know that Tsuzuki still liked him as a friend, if nothing else. At least now he knew for sure that he didn't hate his guts for what happened in Kyoto.

Hisoka lifted his thin, pale arms to hold the older man tentatively around the waist and squeezed him lightly, "I'm glad we're still friends."

"Me too, Hisoka."

They stayed that way for a long while, each taking comfort in the others closeness. Eventually though, Hisoka pulled away and sighed, "C'mon you; lets get you back to bed."

As he went to walk towards the door, a hand shot out and grabbed the sleeve of his blue, cotton pyjamas, stopping him in his tracks. Hisoka looked back round at Tsuzuki, completely nonplussed.

"What's wrong?" he questioned.

"Um," Tsuzuki blushed faintly, "Would it be okay if I slept in your bed with you tonight?"

"What?" gasped Hisoka, green eyes wide at the idea.

"Well, it's just that my room doesn't feel right for some reason. It's kinda creeping me out, actually."

"We can swap rooms then." said the boy, desperate to come up with a solution other than sharing a bed. Not only would it mean that he's probably _have _to sleep, but he didn't know how his already taut emotions would deal with having the love of his life in the same bed as him!

"It's not just that, though," continued Tsuzuki, still pulling at his sleeve, "I didn't like not having you in the same room anymore. I know your not far away and all, and it might sound kinda stupid, but I just missed you being there."

Hisoka looked away from those shining violet eyes as he remembered his own earlier thoughts and mumbled, "It's not stupid ..."

Suddenly, he found himself being scooped up and lifted like a small child. Hisoka cried out in surprise as he was carried across the small room to the neatly made bed.

"Good," laughed his captor as he all but threw the small teen onto the mattress, "there's no problem, then!"

"Tsuzuki, no!" cried Hisoka in protest. His smiling partner ignored him, though, as he bounced onto the small single bed beside him and proceeded to pull the duvet over the two of them.

"Tsuzuki," Hisoka tried again, blushing furiously as he tried to escape the confines of the bed sheets, "just wait a minute! I never said you could ..."

He was once again shocked into silence as those strong and warm arms held him around his tiny waist, pulling him close to Tsuzuki's broad chest.

"Too late," came the stubbornly cheerful reply, "I'm comfy now."

Hisoka stopped struggling and just lay there. Pressed against Tsuzuki's lightly tanned and well muscled chest, and wrapped up in his powerful arms as he was, it was like he had been completely enveloped by his partner. It felt ... Nice. He felt _safe_. Safer than he had in a long time.

Before he knew what he was doing, Hisoka had draped an arm over Tsuzuki's own waist and snuggled in closer with a contented sigh.

Weeks of sleepless nights suddenly caught up to him, and Hisoka felt his tired eyes closing slowly. He found that he was no longer afraid of the horrific nightmares that had plagued him since Kyoto. As long as Tsuzuki was holding him like this, he knew they were still together and he hadn't left him ... Yet.

**End Part Four**

Authors note: Sumiregusa drops down on her knees, puts the tips of her index, middle and ring fingers together on the floor and rubs her forehead I'm so sorry for the wait! Please forgive me! Especially since i promised to get this one done in record time! It actually took me twice as long as all the others! bows head in shame


	5. Chapter 5

**Part Five:**

_The trick is to not give him too much time to think,_ thought Tsuzuki as he smiled lovingly down at the boy sleeping in his arms. Hisoka had a tendency to over-analyse, and if given enough time, he would be able to find every possible flaw, bad point and down side to practically _anything._

Tsuzuki brushed back a lock of soft flaxen hair from the angelic face resting on his chest. It wasn't that Hisoka never looked on the bright side - he wasn't a pessimist by nature - it was just that he thought too much. So it followed that if he didn't have time to think, then he would be able to follow his heart instead of his head.

Of course, the older man loved everything about his eternally youthful partner, including his seemingly ever present cynicism, but Hisoka was best when he acted on impulse. Tsuzuki gently ran his fingers along the boys delicate, pale arm, then placed his hand over the smaller one that clutched cutely at his pyjama shirt, as he remembered Kyoto. Hisoka hadn't had time to think then, but they had both come out of it better than when it had begun, and all because he hadn't been given the chance to consider his actions.

_If circumstances had been different for him, _thought Tsuzuki as he stroked Hisoka's lithe back distractedly, _he would probably have been a very different person. It's just his mistrust of people that makes him this way …. Not that I blame him after everything he's been through …._

Suddenly, Hisoka stirred in his sleep and moaned quietly. Tsuzuki ceased petting the boy and lay perfectly still as he watched him settle himself. The hand that had been holding the other man's shirt clasped tighter as Hisoka tried to snuggle even further into his partners warmth, still mumbling incoherently.

"….A….Asa….to…." he sighed as his fidgeting stopped and he relaxed once more into Tsuzuki's arms.

Violet eyes widened in surprise. Asato? Is that what he'd said? It sure had sounded that way, but …. Well, no one used his first name. In fact, the last time someone had called him 'Asato', he'd been slightly less dead than he currently was ….

It wasn't that he wasn't close enough to any of his co-workers to be on a first name basis; he, Watari and Tatsumi were particularly good buddies, but it was just something that they did in the Shokan Division. It was much more professional to use each others surname …. Not that he wanted to be 'professional' where Hisoka was concerned. In fact, it was the polar opposite.

Hisoka. He'd never once called Hisoka, 'Kurosaki' - probably because of his age. Actually, the only people that did use his surname were the Chief and Tatsumi; everyone else just called him Hisoka. Well, except Watari, who had almost instantly taken to calling him, 'Bon'.

_Not that Hisoka has ever seemed to mind it, _thought Tsuzuki in amusement, as he absently began stroking the boys back again. He wondered vaguely what Hisoka's reaction would be if he began calling him by his surname?

Maybe he should invite his young partner to use his first name permanently? Even if Hisoka wasn't ready for anything more, last night he'd agreed that they were still good friends, and friends used each others first names, didn't they? Tsuzuki thought that he'd like to hear the teens slightly rough and boyish voice calling him 'Asato'. It'd definitely be a step in the right direction ….

/_Beebeep! Beebeep! Beebeep!_/

Tsuzuki jumped at the unexpected noise that he recognized from previous missions to be Hisoka's alarm clock. He searched the room wildly, trying to locate the offending item before it woke up the sleeping teen. Much to his dismay, when he found it, it was placed on a shelf on the other side of the room.

_Oh man!_ He thought, looking desperately between the clock and the once again stirring youth. Hisoka had only had a poxy three hours sleep so far, and it wasn't nearly enough. He had to shut the damn thing up, but if he got out of bed to do so, then the movement would probably wake the boy anyway.

Tsuzuki suddenly noticed one of his slippers on the floor next to the bed, and doing the only thing he could think of, he quickly picked it up, took aim, and threw it forcefully at the still beeping clock.

/_Beebeep! Beebeep! Bee - CRASH! KASHING -a-ling …._/

Tsuzuki flinched at the noise. He hadn't thought about how loud the clock smashing to the ground would be; even if it _had _stopped the incessant beeping. He looked down warily to his partners face and was relieved to see that his eyes were still closed. Maybe he was just so tired that ….

"If you've broken that then your in big trouble," mumbled a husky, sleep-drugged voice.

Maybe not.

"Sorry," he whispered soothingly. It seemed that the boy was only partially awake, so he might yet doze off again, "I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep, okay?"

Hisoka made a cute little sound, halfway between a sigh and a groan, as his slender hand disentangled itself from Tsuzuki's pyjama top and slid it's way up to rest on his shoulder instead, slowly stroking his thumb over the mans collar bone.

Once again, Tsuzuki had to exercise all his self control to stop himself from flipping Hisoka over and kissing the living daylights out of him. While the teen had slept, the older man had touched him as much as possible without being intrusive or taking advantage of his comatose condition. He loved to touch Hisoka. He was so innocent and beautiful, it was almost like he was doing something terrible, but he just couldn't help himself. No matter how much guilt he felt for his Sin, it was an addiction he just couldn't curb.

But this …. This was something different. Something better. Hisoka might still be half asleep, but he was touching _him_. It was almost like when those soft lips had kissed his hand the night before, only not as brief. This time Tsuzuki had time to get over his surprise and simply enjoy the physical contact. He wished that they could just stay like this forever, but ….

Tsuzuki felt Hisoka tense up and take a sharp intake of breath. He looked down at the boy to see wide green eyes staring in disbelief at his hand that had been caressing the older mans neck and shoulder. It quickly clenched into a fist and pulled back as the blonde head whipped up to look at the shoulders owner.

"Good morning," smiled Tsuzuki warmly, "did you sleep okay?"

Hisoka's striking green eyes grew wider still, and a soft pink blush crept across his flawless skin as he suddenly took stock of where he was.

"Argh!" He yelled, pushing himself away from the brunette and trying to sit up. Unfortunately for Hisoka, the bed was very narrow, and he would have fallen out onto the floor if Tsuzuki hadn't reached out and grabbed him in time.

"Careful!" He cried, holding onto the tops of his flustered partners arms and keeping him steady, "you could have really hurt yourself!"

Hisoka shrugged out of the older mans grasp, still blushing madly, "It's your fault, idiot! What the hell are you still doing here?"

"Umm …. I live here?"

"No, not the house, stupid! What are you doing in my _bed_!"

Tsuzuki wrapped his arms around Hisoka's neck and nuzzled the boys soft, pink cheek with his own, "Having a cuddle!"

"Let go, Tsuzuki!" Gasped the teen as he struggled out of his partners hold once again and jumped up from the bed. He was breathing quite heavily and by now his face was bright red. Tsuzuki couldn't help but smile at how adorable he looked, stood there grasping at the hem of his pyjama shirt, unsure of whether to be angry or embarrassed.

"Aww!" Whined the brunette, puppyish, "But you were having a cuddle, too, Kurosaki!"

There was a long pause before Hisoka stuttered, "W-what did you just call me?"

"Hmm?"

"Kurosaki! You just called me Kurosaki, didn't you? Why!"

"Well," smiled the older man mildly, trying to keep in his mirth at the furious and _predictable_ response he had got from the boy, "you call me by _my _surname, don't you? So it seems only fair …."

"But I …. I don't _want_ you to call me that …."

"What _do_ you want me to call you then?" Asked Tsuzuki, enjoying the slightly lost look Hisoka was giving him, and thankful, not for the first time, that his Empathy was up the chute.

"Why are you teasing me about this?" Said the teen sharply. His Empathy was apparently working well enough this morning to be able to pick up the older mans underlying amusement, "you call me 'Hisoka' and I'll call you 'Tsuzuki', just like we always have done, got it?"

Tsuzuki climbed out of the bed and went to stand in front of his infuriated little partner. Taking Hisoka's small hand in his own larger one, he smiled down at him fondly, "But I don't _want_ you to call me that."

Hisoka was blushing again. He tried to take a step back from the much taller man in front of him, but Tsuzuki kept a firm hold on his hand, stopping him from going too far. He didn't want to scare the youth, but he didn't want him escaping before he could finish the conversation, either. It was strange that something he'd never really given a passing thought to suddenly seemed like the most important thing in the world. He needed them to cross this barrier now.

"I think," he said with a small smile, "that you should start calling me Asato, don't you?"

"W-what?" Gasped Hisoka, apparently very surprised with this suggestion.

"Well, we've been partners for nearly a year now, haven't we? And we're really good friends too, so it makes sense, doesn't it? I think it's about time we threw out the formalities."

"But …."

"But what?" Asked Tsuzuki with raised eyebrows. He was going to win this one, and Hisoka's apparent shock had left him vulnerable. It was time to get out the _big _guns, "Don't you like me anymore? Aren't I your friend?"

"Wha? …. Uh ….N-no," stammered Hisoka as the brunette moved even further into his personal space, "I-it's not that Tsuzu …."

"Ah!" Cut in Tsuzuki, silencing the boy by placing a forefinger against his delicate lips, "Asato. From now on you call me Asato, okay?"

"But, I…."

"Please?" He asked quietly, as his hand lightly caressed his cheek and he leaned even closer, "It'd make me really happy if you did."

"But, I ….I …."

They were so close now. It would be so easy to just move those extra few inches forward and kiss his beautiful, blushing Hisoka …. But should he? Or was this wrong of him ….?

Suddenly, Hisoka pulled away from him and stumbled backwards. For the second time this morning, Tsuzuki reached out to steady him, but was promptly shaken off, as the teen continued to put some distance between them.

"I want you to be happy," He said in a very small voice with his head bowed and his eyes glued to the carpet, "so if it really means that much to you, then I'll see what I can do."

With that, Hisoka made a quick retreat from the bedroom, leaving a slightly wistful Tsuzuki standing there, listening to the bathroom door slam and the loud hiss of the shower being switched on. He slowly sank back down to sit on the edge of the bed, with a little smile on his face.

_Just being near you makes me happy, Hisoka._

0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0

Tsuzuki pushed his long brunette bangs out of his eyes for what seemed like the hundredth time today, and wiped the perspiration from his forehead with a happy sigh.

As always, the sun was shining brightly, and he had been out gardening nearly all morning. Because he'd been away from home for nearly six weeks, the weeds had grown out of control, and it had been a big job to get everything looking reasonably nice again.

Still, he was pretty much finished now, and he was sure it must be about time to stop for lunch. He scanned the garden for his partner and chuckled quietly when he saw him.

Hisoka was sat in the shade of a small tree, with a book in his lap and trying very hard not to nod off. He'd come out into the garden with Tsuzuki this morning to keep him company and catch up on some reading, but because of his constant dozing on and off, he hadn't done much talking _or_ reading.

It had been pretty amusing for the violet eyed Shinigami to watch though, because the boy had unknowingly been following exactly the same pattern all day. He'd read, yawn, read some more, doze off, wake up, throw the book aside impatiently and storm inside to make some coffee, asking over his shoulder if his smiling partner wanted anything.

Of course, what Hisoka _didn't_ know was that when they had been out shopping yesterday, Tsuzuki had deliberately picked up de-cafe coffee instead of the usual brand.

Tsuzuki's little smile grew wider at his own cunning as he once again pushed his hair out of his eyes.

"Why don't you get it cut?" Asked a familiar voice from across the garden, "it's obviously annoying you, and it's starting to look ridiculous."

Tsuzuki looked up again to where his partner was, his breath catching slightly. Hisoka had closed his book, put it to one side, and was now laying languidly on his side, his huge eyes regarding the older man steadily. One of his delicate arms was draped casually over his narrow waist and the other propped up by his elbow, supporting his blonde head. He looked so beautiful and …. Well …. _Inviting_, that before the older man knew it, his feet had carried him across the lawn to stand in front of the teen.

The boy raised his eyebrows at the violet eyed man, unsure of what he was up to. Tsuzuki on the other hand, knew _exactly_ what he'd been about to do, and quickly shooed his sense of longing as far back as it would go. He'd nearly blown it once today already, and he wasn't going to risk losing what he _had_ with Hisoka for what he _wanted_. Not until he was completely sure that the boy was ready, anyway.

When he felt more in control of himself, he beamed warmly at his partner and plonked himself down gracelessly on the grass next to him.

"What, this?" He laughed, pointing at the soft, brunette mop obscuring most of his eyes again, "yeah well, I've been meaning to do something with it for a while now, but with one thing and another, I haven't really had the time …. Maybe I'll just let it grow and wear it like Watari does?"

Tsuzuki looked up in surprise as the boy made a strange little snorting sound, covering his mouth with his hands and turning his back to his now very curious partner.

Was Hisoka …. _Laughing_?

Moving onto his hands and knees, he leaned around to look at the young blondes face, mouth hanging open in shock.

Okay. So Hisoka wasn't exactly _laughing_, but he was trying very hard _not_ to. Both of his tiny hands were pressed firmly over his lips, muffling the funny noises he continued to make, his eyes were closed tight shut and his face was very pink.

This was great! Now, if only he could get him to laugh properly …. Tsuzuki wanted to _see_ him laughing, too ….

"Hey Hisoka? What do you think? Would that look good?" He asked as he crowded around the snickering teen, "then I could curl it and wear a ribbon, too!"

Unable to answer, Hisoka reached out one of his hands and attempted to shove Tsuzuki away, still shaking with _almost_ silent mirth.

The violet eyed man grinned as he dodged the youths swipe at his head. He'd been worried that what had happened this morning about them being on first name terms had caused the blonde teen to back off slightly. After all, Hisoka _still_ hadn't called him 'Asato', and whenever he'd needed to call him something it'd been either 'Stupid', or 'Idiot' or both.

It was like Hisoka was afraid to call him by either of his names now, and that had bothered Tsuzuki a lot …. The last thing he _ever_ wanted to do was scare the boy. He'd just wanted them to be closer, that was all; instead of which, he'd begun to think that it had pulled them further apart.

But this last development had changed his worry into hope. He had never seen his green eyed partner even come _close_ to laughing before …. Of course, he'd seen him laugh cynically a couple of times, but that didn't count …. Now he wanted to see him laugh _properly _, without feeling the need to hide.

"Your such an idiot," sighed Hisoka, finally regaining some of his composure. Although his usual stoic expression was back in it's place, Tsuzuki couldn't help but notice the faint lilt in his voice and the beautiful sparkle in his stunning green eyes that the laughter had left behind.

"You didn't like the ribbon idea, then?" Asked the older man with a huge smile.

"Your not funny, you know," said Hisoka, the twitch in the corners of his mouth and the slight break in his voice betraying his white lie.

"Yeah sure," grinned Tsuzuki as he nudged the boy playfully.

Not wanting to be beaten, Hisoka nudged him back harder, "no, your not funny at all."

Shaking his head with a fond smile, the brunette lightly poked the sylphlike teen in the stomach, fully intending to just leave it at that for now and go in search of lunch. No sooner had he touched him, though, when something amazing happened.

_Hisoka laughed._

Not a smothered little chuckle like before, but a full on shout of laughter.

Suddenly realising what he'd done, Hisoka quickly slapped his hand back across his mouth and tried to stand up and escape his stunned partner. Before he could rise from the grass, though, Tsuzuki managed to catch him by wrapping an arm around his tiny waist and pulled him back down again, so that his slender back was pressed firmly against the larger mans chest.

Curiosity caused Tsuzuki to once again poke the struggling teen in the stomach, making him shout with laughter and try to slap his older partners hand away.

"Stop it!" He yelled, gasping for air.

"Your ticklish on your tummy, aren't you?" Tsuzuki sang triumphantly, already knowing the answer to his question, "aren't you? Aren't you?"

"Quit it now, or I'll …. Ahahahahahahaha!"

"I knew it!" Crowed Tsuzuki in delight over his partners uproarious laughter. The boy was no longer covering his mouth with his hands, due to the fact that they were busily trying to free him from the older mans grasp.

He loved the sound of that heartfelt laughter ringing clearly around the garden, but because Hisoka's back was to him, he still couldn't see his smile. Knowing that as long as he continued to tickle the flaxen haired youth, he wouldn't be able to get away, Tsuzuki released his hold on his waist and moved aside as the boy creased up in a heap on the grass, still roaring with laughter.

As quickly as he could, Tsuzuki scooted round Hisoka's giggling form and threw a leg over him, so that he was straddling the teens upper legs to get a better view.

The huge grin that had been plastered across Tsuzuki's face suddenly faded into a small, loving smile as he gazed down at his own personal Angel. He ceased tickling the boy, leaving his hands resting palm down on his tiny, delicate chest, as the loud laughter died out slowly. He was completely awe struck at how much a simple smile had magnetized Hisoka's beauty.

The skin on his cheeks was stained a faint pink, making him appear almost as if he was made of fine porcelain, and his ash blonde hair fell softly across his forehead, practically begging to be touched. His huge and beguiling eyes sparkled with innocent happiness, and laying back against the back drop of lush, green grass they stood out like precious gems.

Tsuzuki's hand reached up and gently cupped Hisoka's chin, tilting his head back slightly. He watched in avid fascination as the smile that had graced the boys dusky lips faded, leaving them slightly parted and soft looking.

Leaning forward until he could feel his partners cool breath fanning his cheek, Tsuzuki searched for some sign from the youth that he should stop or back off. Finding none, he gave in to the deep feeling of longing that had been burning in his chest for days, and tenderly brushed his lips across Hisoka's.

After a few brief seconds, he pulled back again slightly, still worried about scaring the fragile youth. His own pulse was roaring in his ears as he waited on tenterhooks for a reaction.

Hisoka's eyes were wide with apparent shock, and his breath was coming out in short, rapid gasps. A long moment passed and Tsuzuki began to fear the worst, when he suddenly felt the teens delicate hands caressing his back gently.

"Asato …." Whispered Hisoka, closing his eyes and tilting his head back again in an open invitation.

Joy and passion sand in Tsuzuki's heart, and unable to contain his desire any longer, he gracefully crushed his lips to Hisoka's, once more closing the gap between them.

His hand slid round from Hisoka's chin and neck to bury it's self in his soft, flaxen hair, as he slowly encouraged the boys mouth wider with his tongue to allow him to deepen the kiss.

Basking in Hisoka's passionate compliance, Tsuzuki place his arm firmly around his partners slender waist and slowly rolled onto his back, so that the boy was above him and gently cradled between his thighs.

Tsuzuki loved the feel of the lissom teens body pressed up against his own, his thin fingers running through his hair, and his soft, warm mouth surrendering innocently to the violet eyed mans kiss. It was like Hisoka was everywhere, and Tsuzuki was lost to him. His touch, his taste …. Even his scent of sun-screen and soap surrounded him, playing havoc on his senses.

He ran his large hands down Hisoka's back and held his narrow hips tenderly, wanting desperately to take this further, but knowing it was wrong. As it was, he'd already ruined the moment with his impatience …. He should have told Hisoka he loved him _before _he'd kissed him.

_This is wrong; I should tell him how I feel before this goes any further, _thought Tsuzuki as a wave of guilt washed over him, _This isn't fair at all …._

Suddenly, he felt the boy tense up. Before the older man knew what had happened, Hisoka had broken the kiss, struggled out of his embrace and was sat on the grass away from him. Tsuzuki sat up and looked worriedly at his young partner. The teen was pale and shaking, and his beautiful eyes were full of pain and hurt.

"Hisoka? What's wrong?"

**End Part Five**

Authors Notes:  Whew! Wow, that was much harder than I thought it was gonna be! Sorry for the delay, folks! (_again_! Cough cough!) It's not much of an excuse, but the only defence I have was that this was supposed to be three chapters, and I had to condense it down into one …. And I like to talk, so it was pretty hard having to keep cutting stuff out, I can tell you! X

Only one more chapter to go now! Then I'm all finished!

Thanks to everyone that's read this! A big thanks to everyone that's reviewed! And a really big thanks to all of you that keep coming back to check on me and my ficcie! I luv you guys! x


	6. Chapter 6

Authors note: - Hey there! I'm putting this at the top of the last chapter, so that I don't spoil the ending for you with my pointless chatter, okay? Haha! X

I just want to say a really huge thank you to everyone who ever has (or ever will! X) read and reviewed 'Near Him', especially Ishka, who got me started, YugisGal18 and Crimson Hisuki, for being there for me all the way through it, and Sonsyrea, AnimeAngelRin, and Saphira112 for kicking my lazy butt all the way through the last chapter! I luv ya, guys! X

Than you all for taking an interest in my work! It makes me very happy! This has been Sumiregusa, wrting for the enjoyment of the Yami No Matsuei community, from the south coast of England! Peace out! xxx

**Part Six**

…_. This is wrong …._

…_.I should tell him how I feel before this goes any further …._

…_. This isn't fair at all …._

Hisoka froze as Tsuzuki's thoughts echoed clearly around his mind. As messed up as his Empathy had been for the last few days, these thoughts and their accompanying feelings of guilt and remorse hit the teen hard, forcing their way through his mind and his heart like the blade of a blunt Katana.

_No! _He thought in despair, _How could I do this to him?_

Regaining his senses, Hisoka broke their kiss and pushed himself up from his partners embrace. He scrambled backwards across the lawn, trying to put some distance between them, and sat with a soft thump as his body ceased up from shock. Despite the relatively large gap between the two of them, Hisoka could still feel the older mans emotions beating away at his barriers, and almost merging with his own; he needed to make them stronger. He couldn't stand feeling the pain he had inflicted, and felt himself begin to shiver violently as Tsuzuki sat up, staring at him with those wide guiless filled with worry and concern for him that he knew he didn't deserve.

"Hisoka? What's wrong?"

Hisoka wiped a trembling hand across his kiss-swollen lips, wanting to erase the taste of his partner from them; the taste of his guilt. Tsuzuki was right, this _was_ wrong. He _was _being unfair. Not only had he blackmailed his partner into continuing to live when he had clearly not wanted to, but now his selfish and unrequited love had pushed the violet eyed man into this too!

This was it. He had to put an end to this right now; for Tsuzuki's sake if not his own. Who was he kidding, anyway? He already knew that the older man didn't love him as anything more than a close friend, or maybe even a little brother, and forcing the relationship further was cruel. He was no better than Muraki!

A warm hand on his still shaking shoulder caused Hisoka to jump slightly in surprise. Tsuzuki had had moved across to kneel in front of him while the teen had been preoccupied with his dark thoughts. Looking up into those beautiful violet eyes, Hisoka felt his heart constrict. How could he have let this happen?

"Hisoka?" Whispered Tsuzuki, "Are you alright? Did I hurt you? Did I …. Did I scare you?"

Shrugging the gentle hand from his shoulder, Hisoka looked away, once again feeling swamped by the powerful emotions his partner was giving off; Worry, Guilt, Pain, Regret …. And something else …. Something he couldn't quite put his finger on, because of the strong mental walls his partner had built around it. Whatever it was though, the pained youth could feel it pushing away at him along with the rest of the older mans feelings, and the emotions that weren't barred were practically shouting down his ear. He could feel Tsuzuki's guilt melding with his own, almost making it seem like all that remorse and shame belonged to him alone …. Maybe it did; he wasn't really sure anymore ….

"You didn't scare me Tsuzuki," he whispered back, trying desperately to strengthen his barriers and concentrate on the feelings that were his.

"But I did hurt you …." Pain, Guilt, Pain, Guilt …. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he block it out?

"No, you didn't hurt me," said Hisoka, trying to keep his voice normal and his breathing even, "I'm the one that did the hurting. I hurt you too."

"Hisoka?" Confusion, Confusion, Confusion ….

Wait, why was he confused? Or was that Tsuzuki? Hisoka shouldn't be confused, because he knew exactly what it was he needed to say, but he couldn't seem to stop his head from spinning so that he could say it. Why weren't his barriers working!

"I …. I made you …. I …. Practically _forced_ you …." Hisoka's breathing had become laboured from the effort it was taking to stop Tsuzuki's emotions leaking into him further, but he knew he couldn't stop now. He had to tell him, "I'm just as bad as …. _Him_, because I'm being …. Unfair …. And you don't want …."

Worry, Panic, Confusion, Hurt, Concern, Pain, Guilt and something indefinable …. But familiar, "Hisoka? Are you alright? You don't look so good, and your not making any sense."

The flaxen haired youth swallowed hard at the knot in his throat, and wiped feebly at the thin film of sweat across his forehead. This would make Tsuzuki happy; It would free him to do whatever he wanted without his younger partner to burden him and hold him back. Tears fell from his large green eyes as he spoke the words he dreaded ….

"I want you to be …. Happy, so I'm …. I can't …. I can't be your partner …. Anymore …."

……..

PainFearShockMiserySadnessHurtSorrowTerrorDesolationGuiltConfusionWorryAbandonmentLostRemorsePainFearShockMiserySadnessHurtSorrowTerrorDesolationGuiltConfusionWorryAbandonmentLostRemorsePainFearShockMiserySadnessHurt …..

It took everything that Hisoka had not to pass out from the sheer intensity of his partners feelings. But then, were these emotions Tsuzuki's? They so closely echoed his own that they might actually belong to him alone, and they weren't what he was expecting the older man to feel after what he had just said. He had expected some kind of relief, not this. Unable to ignore the waves of pain coming from the one he loved, Hisoka looked up.

Tsuzuki was still sat on the grass opposite him, but his mouth was hanging slightly open, and his luminous violet eyes shimmered with unshed tears. He was the very picture of agony, and it shook the younger Shinigami to see it; because he knew that he was to blame.

"You …. You don't know what your saying," said Tsuzuki pleadingly, "Your not well, Hisoka. You haven't been sleeping properly or taking care of yourself, and you must be delirious. I'm gonna call Watari …. You can't know what your saying …."

DesperationFearPainGuiltConfusionDesperationFearGuiltConfusionDesperation ….

"No …. I know exactly what I'm saying …. Because I've …. I've been planning to tell you since a few …. A few days after Kyoto …."

"Please no! Please! You can't mean it!" Tsuzuki cried as he launched himself at his young partner, and held him close in a fierce hug as tears the tears finally spilled from his own beautiful eyes, "I just …. I can't hear this from you! Not you! Anyone else, but not you Hisoka …. Please! Please don't leave me! I couldn't bear it if you did! Not after everything we've been through together! I thought you …. I thought we were …."

Hisoka could feel his consciousness slipping as his partners powerful emotions hammered away at what was left of his shields, but …. But he had to finish what he'd started. He had to free the one he loved ….

"You don't want me …. You don't need me …. Not like I need you," he choked into Tsuzuki's shoulder as he fought to keep his eyes open, "You were right …. This is …. This is wrong …. But I knew …. I knew how you felt …. And I was unfair to you …. You were right Asato …. You …. Were …."

RecognitionRealizationUnderstandingPainGuiltWorryIndefinableFeelingIndefinableFeelingIndefinableFeeling ….

Knowing that he had at last been understood, Hisoka finally let go of it all, and cradled safely in the arms of the only person that he'd ever truly loved, he let the darkness swallow him ….

0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.

Fire. Huge orange flames surrounded him. It was hot. So hot. He watched the inferno's captive try to edge away from the blaze as it closed in on him. From his vantage point in the surrounding darkness, the boy could see that there was no way past the huge flaming wall for the other to escape. Without help, Tsuzuki would die this time, he was sure ….

He could see the glistening silver dagger held tightly in the other mans hand, the red flames reflecting from it's pristine surface, making it appear that it too was made of fire. Feeling Tsuzuki's dispair like it was his own, he watched him look down at his already scarred wrist and felt a terrible jolt as he realized what was going through his partners head. He had to stop him, before it was too late!

_Please, don't leave me …._ prayed the boy desperately, _not now that I understand how much you mean to me …._

Before he knew what was happening, he was stood in the middle of the raging fires, right in front of Tsuzuki. An almost gratifying pain sliced through his arm and hot, crimson blood splattered over the two of them. Hisoka knew instantaneously that it was his his wrist that was bleeding, and that he would be the one to leave now, but as much as the thought of parting ways with Tsuzuki tore at his heart, he didn't mind. He would willingly sacrifice what little happiness he had to keep his precious Asato safe. After all, when it came down to it, he _was_ Hisoka's happiness.

The teen looked up at the violet eyed man, to tell him how much he was loved before he faded away into nothingness, and was shocked to see the look of horror on the others face. What was wrond with him?

"Tsuzuki?" The boy asked quietly, feeling a pang of guilt in his chest …. Had he been wrong to stop his partner from killing himself? Had it truly been the only way out for him, after all? Instead of stopping his pain, maybe Hisoka had only prolonged it?

"W-what have I done?" whispered Tsuzuki in anguish.

What had _he_ done? What did he mean? He hadn't done anything at all! That's when Hisoka realized that that all the while, his partners eyes had been glued to the gaping wound on his wrist. So that was it. Was he blaming himself for the younger mans injury? Why did he torture himself like this? Didn't he realize that Hisoka would do anything to keep him safe and happy? To preserve the kindness and innocence that essentially _was_ Tsuzuki?

Suddenly the older man began to scream in torment, shaking the teen from his reverie, and causing him to panic slightly at his partners out burst.

"Tsuzuki!" Cried Hisoka, feeling tortured by the others pain, as tears slipped from his own eyes as he reached up and held the screaming mans arms tightly, trying to comfort him, but still Tsuzuki shouted in dispair.

Hisoka felt himself start to fade out as the fire moved closer, and began to shake his partner violently and shout his name. He had to make Tsuzuki understand, before his time ran out! He couldn't lose him like this!

The red blood poured from his wound, and the fire closed in on them, but still he shouted, "Tsuzuki! Tsuzuki!"

0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.

"It's alright, Hisoka! I'm right here! It's going to be okay!"

Hisoka's bright green eyes flew open at the sound of the familiar and comforting voice calling to him. Tsuzuki was leaning over him, holding him firmly by the wrist's as the boy grasped tightly to his partners arms and gasped for air. He was laying in a soft double bed in a room he didn't recognize, sweating heavily as tears streamed down his face.

_A nightmare, _he realized as he choked back a sob, _it was just a stupid nightmare!_

"Just a …. A nightmare …." he gulped, trying to push his slightly damp flaxen hair from his face. Tsuzuki smiled down at him softly and wiped a tear from the teens cheek, as Hisoka continued to cry raggedly through clenched teeth.

"Shhhhh. It's okay. It wasn't real. Your okay now, Hisoka, your just really tired, that's all."

"No, I'm not tired!" Snapped Hisoka as he batted away the gentle hand still caressing his cheek, "this is why I didn't want to go to sleep! I knew that if I did the nightmares would come back! I wanted to stay awake!"

Tsuzuki sat on the edge of the bed that his partner was laying in and regarded him steadily, as if he was weighing him up, "Hisoka, you must have realized that you couldn't stay awake forever."

The young Shinigami felt a sudden surge of annoyance towards the man in front of him, and heaved himself up into a sitting position. He hated Tsuzuki to see him crying like a child, but he hated it even more when he was treated like one!

"Why the hell not?" He glared furiously, "it's not like it would have killed me!"

"You little idiot," growled Tsuzuki as he grabbed the youths small shoulders and shook him slightly, "you still need a way to restore your energy, dead or not! It's not like you eat a lot either, is it? Do you have any idea what could have happened to you? What were you thinking?"

Hisoka tried to shrug out of his partners hold, but the brunette was having none of it and only held him tighter, "Tsuzuki! Let go! It's none of your damned …."

"Yes, it is my business when someone I care very much about makes himself so ill that he passes out and loses most of his Shinigami powers!"

"W-what?" gasped the teen, eye's wide with shock at the statement, "what do you mean?"

Tsuzuki sighed heavily as he reached up a hand to brush through the the younger mans soft hair and tuck it behind his ear, "can you read my emotions?"

Completely dumbfounded, Hisoka closed his eyes and tried to reach out his Empathy to read what his partner was feeling, only to find …. There was nothing to reach out with! Where was it! What had happened? He had been so tired that he hadn't even noticed it's absence! His large bottle green eyes snapped back open again in panic, to find Tsuzuki looking at him sadly.

"Your lucky I was there," He said quietly, "or you might have lost a lot more than just your Empathy."

"My …. My Empathy," swallowed Hisoka, "It's gone?"

"For now. Watari says it's only temporary," said Tsuzuki reassuringly as he once again brushed the teens ash blonde hair back from his eyes, "because you haven't been sleeping or eating properly, your body had to sacrifice the use of your Empathy to keep you going. He says you proberbly won't be hearing from it for a good few weeks …. Maybe even months."

Hisoka couldn't quite stop himself from breathing a shuddering sigh of relief. Working as a Shinigami as he was, without his Empathy he was practically obsolete. He looked up into the brunettes soft violet eyes and felt a bit bad for losing his temper with him earlier. Had it really been that close? No wonder Tsuzuki had been so upset with him ….

"Watari was here?" he asked, trying to change the tone of the conversation slightly.

"Yeah, he's stopped by every day to check up on you."

"Every day?" queried Hisoka, "how long have I been out for?"

"You've been sleeping solid for the past four days," a smile tugged at Tsuzuki's lips as he spoke, "much longer and we would have had to move you back to the infirmary."

"Where are we, then?"

"My room."

Ah, that was why he didn't recognize the place. Tsuzuki's bedroom was the one area of the house he had always stayed away from. Suddenly, a thought hit him full in the face; if this was Tsuzuki's bedroom, then that meant that the bed he was in …. He looked across to the small armchair next to the bed, taking note of the screwed up blanket thrown across it and realized that the violet eyed man must have been sleeping there while Hisoka had been in his bed.

"I'm sorry," blushed the teen, eliciting a soft chuckle from his partner.

"What for?" Smiled Tsuzuki as he ruffled Hisoka's hair fondly, "it's not like it's the first time you've taken over my bed, is it?"

The statement only caused the youth to blush further as he remembered their first night as partners, "yeah well …. Not just that. For causing you trouble when you should be getting better yourself. I was stupid."

"Hey now, it's alright," said the brunette gently as he cupped Hisoka's chin to make him look at him, "it's okay to be afraid, Hisoka, but keeping yourself awake like that isn't going to help you. It's just a nightmare, and it isn't real, okay? I promise you that I won't let anything hurt you ever again, and I'll be right here if you need me."

Hisoka could feel the tears prickling his eyes and his lip begin to quiver slightly as all the terrors of the last few weeks suddenly caught up to him. Not wanting his older partner to see him cry again, the youth went to turn away from the tender violet gaze and hide his face, but suddenly found himself enveloped in a pair of strong arms and pulled into a comforting embrace.

The fatigued teen leaned into Tsuzuki's broad, warm chest, and carefully placed his own arms around his partner. Even without the use of his Empathy, Hisoka felt safe and happy snuggled up against him like this, and couldn't help wishing that it would never have to end …. That he would never have to let Tsuzuki go ….

Let Tsuzuki Go!

Memories of the incident in the garden suddenly came flooding back. What was he doing! He had to let Tsuzuki go!

Struggling out of the embrace, Hisoka tried to move away from the older man, but he was too quick for the youths sluggish movements and caught him by the shoulders, holding him in place.

"No wait!" Cried the younger man in anguish, "You shouldn't be here! _I _shouldn't be here!"

Tsuzuki once again cupped his chin in an attempt to make eye contact, but Hisoka's guilt was unbearable and he simply clamped his eyelids shut.

"Why not?" Asked the older man softly, apparently very close to the teens ear.

"Because I told you we couldn't be partners anymore!" Hisoka choked as he struggled desperately to get out of his partners hold, "It's selfish and unfair and I won't do it!"

Finally managing to get free from Tsuzuki's grasp, Hisoka threw the covers off himself and tried to get up from the bed, only to be caught once again by his partner and pulled back into another strong embrace to restrain him.

"Calm down, Hisoka!" said Tsuzuki as he continued to hold the struggling teens much smaller body tightly to his chest, "your not well enough to get out of bed yet!"

"Then you leave!" Snapped the helpless youth, taking out his frustration at his frail body on his stronger captor, "Get out now!"

"No."

"No?" Spluttered Hisoka incredulously. That had definatly _not _been the answer he was expecting, "What do you mean 'no'?"

"No. I'm not going," said Tsuzuki simply, "I'm not leaving you, and no matter what you say or do, your not leaving me either."

"You can't stop me!" Hisoka yelled defiantly into his partners shirt.

Before he knew what was happening, the teen had been pushed back down onto the bed with Tsuzuki leaning over his lithe form, his face only inches away. The brunettes violet eyes darkened a shade, and a smile played about his lips, causing any fear Hisoka might have felt at his slightly rough treatment of him to vanish completely. Slowly, Tsuzuki closed the remaining distance between them, and gently pressed his lips to those of the younger mans, causing Hisoka's world to spin off out of control.

Too quickly, it was over, and the older man retreated slightly, without moving from his position above the still reeling youth.

"You were wrong, Hisoka. I _do_ want you," murmured Tsuzuki throatily, "and I _do_ need you, more than anything in the world. If it wasn't for you, then I wouldn't even exist."

That did it. Those last few words broke the spell that the kiss had placed over Hisoka, and he once again began to try and struggle out from under Tsuzuki.

"Exactly!" he cried in torment, "I made you stay here, even though you didn't want to! I practically forced you into putting up with my stupid feeling for you! But I don't want that! I want you to be happy! I want you to be free to make up your own mind about things, and if that means ending our partnership, then that's just the way it has to be!"

"No, you don't understand what I mean," said Tsuzuki gently, still pinning down the teen with his own body, "what I _mean_ is; if it wasn't for you, then I'd _rather not_ exist."

Hisoka stopped struggling and looked up in surprise to those beautiful, lucid violet eyes. Did he really mean that? Could it even be possible? But what about what Tsuzuki had been thinking while they kissed in the garden? Hadn't he said that it wasn't fair? The young blonde knew that his Empathy had been severely off target lately, so it was _possible_ that he'd misheard …. Or even misunderstood …..

"What feelings?" Tsuzuki asked suddenly, interrupting his thoughts.

"What?"

"You said that you thought you were making me put up with your feelings for me," he said nonchalantly, "what feelings would they be then? Exactly?"

"B-but …. I …. You," stuttered Hisoka in shock. Didn't he know? Sure, the younger Shinigami hadn't said it _exactly_, but it was just so damned _obvious_! "I - I told you already! I told you in Kyoto!"

Tsuzuki shook his head with a frown, "no, you actually didn't tell me anything about how you feel about _me, _just about how you _feel_, that's all."

"Yes, I did! I told you!" Insisted Hisoka, feeling slightly flustered at the prsopect of maybe having to risk it all over again. If the brunette didn't know how he felt, then why had he kissed him?

"I want you to exist even just for me," Whispered Tsuzuki, as he looked directly into Hisoka's bright green eyes, "I don't want to be left alone. This is the only place for me; just here, in your heart."

Recognizing his own words, and caught up in that tender gaze, Hisoka felt himself blushing furiously. Tsuzuki was right, there were three very important words missing.

"You remembered every word …." Whispered Hisoka back, touched by the others exact recitation.

"I'll never forget, not for all eternity, because that's the closest thing I've ever had to someone telling me they loved me," Tsuzuki lightly stroked the blondes cheek with a sad look on his face, "if that's not how you meant it, then that's okay, but Hisoka, whether that's what you meant or not, I want you to know that I love you. Not like a friend or a brother, but as something much more. I love you Hisoka, and I want to be with you forever."

Time seemed to freeze in that instant, and Hisoka's world was limited only to this bed and his partner laying above him. He couldn't believe it. Had Tsuzuki really just said that? Had he meant it? Could he, who had never been loved by anyone, ever, dare to hope that he might not be alone anymore?

"You …. You …. Love me?"

The brunette smiled softly and rested his forehead against the teens. He closed his eyes and sighed, "yes. More than anything or anyone. You're my everything, Hisoka. Please, don't leave me. I don't want to be alone. This is the only place for me; right here, in your heart."

Tsuzuki loved him.

He truly loved him.

Hisoka tilted his head back ever so slightly, until their lips were just touching. He wanted to tell him how he felt …. How he really felt, "Tsuzu-"

"Uh-uh!" Tsuzuki smiled against the younger mans mouth, "That's not my name, Kurosaki."

Hisoka laughed softly at the insistence he heard in the others voice, and reached up a small hand to brush through Tsuzuki's dark hair.

"Asato," he corrected himself, "I love you, too. I want to always be with you, no matter what happens, or how much time passes. Please, don't ever let me go."

"Oh, your not going anywhere," murmured his partner, before he brought their lips together in a passionate kiss. There were no barriers, no need for either of them to hide from the other, just pure, unadulterated love.

Hisoka felt the older mans large hands slide down his body and pull him closer as the kiss deepened, causing the blonde to moan softly. Once again, Tsuzuki rolled them over until Hisoka was laying above him. Realizing that this tactic was the violet eyed mans way of reassuring him and putting him in control, the teen pushed himself closer to his lovers warm body, showing him that he wasn't afraid.

Tsuzuki groaned deeply, and pulled back from the kiss. He was breathing heavily and gazing down at Hisoka with passion clouded eyes that all but swallowed up the flaxen haired youth.

"I take it," he whispered with a smile, "that this means we're still partners, right?"

"Idiot," Hisoka smiled back, tracing a finger along the curve of Tsuzuki's cheek, "Of course we are. Your not going anywhere, either."

Feeling safe and loved, Hisoka closed his eyes and snuggled closer into Tsuzuki's chest, finally giving in to sleep. He knew the nightmares wouldn't bother him again. He felt the older man shift slightly under him as he reached back and tugged the thin cotton blanket over them both. Wrapping his strong arms around Hisoka's waist, he sighed contentedly as he gently stroked the small teens back and planted a light kiss on the top of his head.

There was no need for then to rush anything, because they both knew that for the rest of eternity, the other would always be near him.

Owari


End file.
